Mega Optimal Operative Cooler and Oxygenator for Wort

April 1, 1998

This gizmo will give you, the average homebrewer, NASA-like instant (literally!) wort cooling and oxygenation- and both at the same time!

What is this THING?
Actually there's two MOO COW models.
Here's a drawing of the MOO COW I showing it's elegant simplicity:

By introducing the cold liquid on top if the warmer liquid, the convective currents established are not as great as in the MOO COW II:

With this sucker, were talking volcanic mixing of the frigid LOX and the hot wort due to the explosive vaporization of the LOX when it's hit with the hot wort.

MOO COW Advantages

Just as viewers of Norm's wood whacking PBS show must do, you too must first endure the dreaded Safety Lecture before commencing with the construction of a MOO COW.

Construction is very easy and the drawings should make it straightforward. Here are some pointers:
Using MOO COWs
  1. Make sure the system is well oiled. By well oiled, we don't mean the inside of the LOX container. Please refer to the safety lecture above.
  2. Fill the LOX container with (DUH!) LOX. Observe all DOT, ICC, ASME, NFPA, OSHA, and Fire Code regulations in transporting, handling or using LOX.
  3. Install the LOX container in the MOO COW. Be sure MOO COW I doesn't barf LOX on your tennis shoes!
  4. Commence MOO COWing using the system initiation pole. With MOO COW II, a warning announcement is highly recommended. "FIRE IN THE HOLE" is de rigueur in the blasting trade (well, except for the terrorists- warnings are usually counterproductive for them- or so I've read on the net). Somehow "COLD IN THE HOLE" is not very satisfying.

My lawyer (who can beat-up your lawyer) spaketh thusly:
Your warranty, which is neither expressed, implied, actionable, enforceable, nor the basis for any other similar unilateral actionable grievance by other attorneys of record (hereinafter and forevermore referred to as "ambulance-chasers") in a court of competence (HA HA! Gotcha! Just try to find one of them!) with relevant and proper jurisdiction, extends only to the extend that you, any allegedly aggrieved, allegedly injured, allegedly person(s) and/or potential complaint(s) with obviously unjust and slanderous (that's a threat buddy!) alleged cause of action (hereinafter referred to as "the idiot(s)" ), do not actually attempt to build, maintain, harbor or actually attempt to use this patently safe and effective device described by my client (BTW, he's acting a bit erratic of late so we've got our asses covered by the recent Montana v. Fruitcake ruling of the 5th Circuit) in this legally void, meaningless, but obviously safe in-and-of-itself web page (hereinafter referred to as "cyberspace drivel"). The terms of this non-warranty (ergo, ex post facto and agibberisho: it doesn't exist) specifically excludes actions, errors, omission or even random synapse firings by aforesaid idiot(s) and any illusions or hallucinations which may be construed as terms of said non-warranty will be summarily terminated with extreme prejudice upon or immediately preceding the first full moon of the fortnight proceeding the complaint(s) obvious misuse and abuse of aforesaid MOO COW, whether in idea, material manifestation of aforesaid idea or as little bitty pieces scattered of MOO COW hither and yon or allegedly embedded in aforesaid idiot(s) flesh and/or bone.
Nuff Said.
Signed: Joe Doe, Esq.

In case you've read this far not realizing that everything you've read is an utter spoof/satire/parody on some of us homebrewers' quest for the "best" wort chiller and wort Oxygenator, well.... HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!.
Otherwise, hope you enjoyed my attempt at humor. For an actual and absolutely amazing adventure with LOX, be sure to check out the LOX powered charcoal starter page.
Comments and questions to: MOOCOWs@aol.SNAFU.qom
See my real wort chiller