Mega Optimal Operative
and Oxygenator for Wort
This gizmo will give you, the average homebrewer, NASA-like instant
(literally!) wort cooling and oxygenation- and both at the
What is this THING?
Actually there's two MOO COW models.
Here's a drawing of the MOO COW I showing it's elegant simplicity:
By introducing the cold liquid on top if the warmer liquid, the convective
currents established are not as great as in the MOO COW II:
With this sucker, were talking volcanic mixing of the frigid LOX and
the hot wort due to the explosive vaporization of the LOX when it's hit
with the hot wort.
MOO COW Advantages
Instant wort chilling The sub-cooling nature of the
device doesn't just cool the wort like whimpy counterflow and immersion
chillers. Noooooo! It uses a super frigid heat sink which cools
at a rate absolutely unattainable with other cooling devices. Each pound
of LOX (liquid oxygen) will suck 3.542 E 23 Joules from the wort (assuming,
of course, adiabatic conditions).
Instant wort supersaturation with oxygen. Lessor
oxygenation techniques rely on puny, low-tech solutions like shaking the
fermenter or air diffusers supplied with air or O2 gas.
Synergistic Design The second law of thermodynamics
tells us that when a temperature difference exists between two regions
in a closed system, the system will tend to thermodynamic equilibrium as
the entropy of the system increases. No , wait a minute... That's wrong-
we got confused. It ain't entropy, it's synergy. Dammit, we're always
getting entropy and synergy confused! Anyhow, trust us, when the LOX hits
the super hot (relative to the LOX temperature...) wort, stuff is gonna
move about real fast. The physical reaction is synergistic since
it cools as well as oxygenates the wort, i.e., it kills more than one pounds
of avian species with only one pound of spheriodical mineral material.
Fantantistic cold break formation The rapid nature
of cooling doesn't just form fluffy cold break like whimpy counterflow
chillers generate- we're talking solid chunks here folks that sink like
the rocks they are. This is why we say "spheriodical mineral material"
above- the MOO COW effective range with this material includes any flying
avians below 1,000 ft. or so.
Sanitation The cryogenic nature of LOX is exploited
by this system by giving any little buggers or beasties that even venture
near your precious wort in the MOO COW an instant and terminal case of
It's High-Tech As an aware homebrewer posed at the
brink of the next millennium, we know you're seeking high tech enhancements
to you brewing processes. The MOO COWs are the first systems available
which puts space age, NASA-like LOX technology at the disposal of homebrewers.
Do not accept panty-waisted compromised systems like the Phil's Phast Phlow
Chiller (P3C) that's rumoured to be in development testing. Like most conventional
oxygenation rigs, the P3C uses the same BerzOmatic gaseous O2 cylinder
(it's called the POP- "Phil's Oxygen Phlask") like one gets at the hardware
store except that the POP will cost ya $27.99 a pop. Like other O2 systems,
it includes an air stone and tubing. The wrinkles are the specially designed
Phil's Phorm Phitting jacket for the Phlask . Wort chilling via is popping
the POP into the freezer (forthcoming Phreezer/Phridge) for cooling then
using the Phorm Phitting jacket to keep it cool when it's in use. Also,
the special airstone made from the same material as Phil's Phloating Phalse
Bottom (P3B). We will give Phil copious credit tho'- the P3B material has
a marginal opening size and spacing as a false bottom and is more suitable
for use as a airstone. We do hope, however, that the phloating problems
are solved or at least alluded to warned of in the P3C instructions tho'.
Just as viewers of Norm's wood whacking PBS show must do, you too must
first endure the dreaded Safety Lecture before commencing
with the construction of a MOO COW.
Construction is very easy and the drawings should make it straightforward.
Here are some pointers:
LOX is very cold. Do not stick your finger into it to see just how cold
it is. Trust us, if it's liquid, it's plenty cold enough.
Materials behave differently at cryogenic temps. Remember the o-rings on
the ill-fated Challenger? Well, that misadventure was caused by merely
nippy (for Florida anyhow) ambient temperature of around 30 degF.
Oxygen greatly enhances combustion and can cause seeming innocuous materials
like the rubber in you tennis shoes rubber to burst forth in flames. How
ironic- something so cold giving one a big-time "hot foot". We won't go
into the NASA misadventure with an O2 enriched space capsule...
Wear ya dorky safety glasses. One can't see too well with frozen eyeballs-
the MOO COW II beta tester though he had developed instant cataracts during
a MOO COW, uh, perturbation.
Testing has determined the length of the pole used to initiate the MOO
COW varies directly with the brewer's timidity. For the average user (e.g.
utterly fearless around water/electricity or propane), about 10' will do
with MOO COW I. We recommend a much, much longer one for "firing-off" the
MOO COW II due to the explosive reaction when one introducing a hot liquid
on top of a very, very cold liquid- "boiling" of the LOX is a very weak
description. A "rip cord" laid to a substantial bunker are recommended
for more timid brewers.
The spray shield is not optional equipment for the MOO COW
II- it serves to retain alot/most/some of the wort in the system after
the ball valve is stroked. Note that this is a perforated shield- if it's
solid and fastened to the wort container, the useful life of your MOO COW
II will be reduced to nanoseconds.
The ball valve is NOT one you're likely to find at your local Ace Hardware
store. It's fabricated of a titanium and (standard Alzheimer disclaimer
applies) aluminum alloy and cryogenic second generation o-rings developed
for NASA by Challenger contractor, Morton-Thiokol. Accept no substitutes!
The LOX container is standard issue at you local welding and medical gas
supplier. It's basically a Dewar flask- a vessel within a vessel with a
vacuum in the annular (not to be confused with anal) space between the
two vessels. The vacuum acts as an excellent insulator. Nature abhors a
vacuum so she reacts by recoiling in horror. In this case, of course, nature
is manifesting herself in the LOX. (Hmmm... We'd better leave the feminine
gender used for "nature", her manifestation as something frigid and the
logical extrapolation to humans of the female gender alone.)
Using MOO COWs
Make sure the system is well oiled. By well oiled, we don't mean the inside
of the LOX container. Please refer to the safety lecture above.
Fill the LOX container with (DUH!) LOX. Observe all DOT, ICC, ASME,
NFPA, OSHA, and Fire Code regulations in transporting, handling or using
Install the LOX container in the MOO COW. Be sure MOO COW I doesn't barf
LOX on your tennis shoes!
Commence MOO COWing using the system initiation pole. With MOO COW II,
a warning announcement is highly recommended. "FIRE IN THE HOLE" is de
rigueur in the blasting trade (well, except for the terrorists- warnings
are usually counterproductive for them- or so I've read on the net). Somehow
"COLD IN THE HOLE" is not very satisfying.
My lawyer (who can beat-up your lawyer) spaketh thusly:
Your warranty, which is neither expressed, implied, actionable,
enforceable, nor the basis for any other similar unilateral actionable
grievance by other attorneys of record (hereinafter and forevermore referred
to as "ambulance-chasers") in a court of competence (HA HA! Gotcha! Just
try to find one of them!) with relevant and proper jurisdiction, extends
only to the extend that you, any allegedly aggrieved, allegedly injured,
allegedly person(s) and/or potential complaint(s) with obviously unjust
and slanderous (that's a threat buddy!) alleged cause of action (hereinafter
referred to as "the idiot(s)" ), do not actually attempt to build, maintain,
harbor or actually attempt to use this patently safe and effective device
described by my client (BTW, he's acting a bit erratic of late so we've
got our asses covered by the recent Montana v. Fruitcake ruling of the
5th Circuit) in this legally void, meaningless, but obviously safe in-and-of-itself
web page (hereinafter referred to as "cyberspace drivel"). The terms of
this non-warranty (ergo, ex post facto and agibberisho: it doesn't exist)
specifically excludes actions, errors, omission or even random synapse
firings by aforesaid idiot(s) and any illusions or hallucinations which
may be construed as terms of said non-warranty will be summarily terminated
with extreme prejudice upon or immediately preceding the first full moon
of the fortnight proceeding the complaint(s) obvious misuse and abuse of
aforesaid MOO COW, whether in idea, material manifestation of aforesaid
idea or as little bitty pieces scattered of MOO COW hither and yon or allegedly
embedded in aforesaid idiot(s) flesh and/or bone.
Signed: Joe Doe, Esq.
In case you've read this far not realizing that everything you've
read is an utter spoof/satire/parody on some of us homebrewers' quest for
the "best" wort chiller and wort Oxygenator, well.... HAPPY APRIL
Otherwise, hope you enjoyed my attempt at humor. For an actual
and absolutely amazing adventure with LOX, be sure to check out the LOX
powered charcoal starter page.
Comments and questions to: MOOCOWs@aol.SNAFU.qom
See my real wort chiller