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Chumley
Senior Member
Username: Chumley

Post Number: 2383
Registered: 02-2003
Posted on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 04:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

C'mon, less than two weeks to the election, lets give 'em up!

Q: What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?

A: G.W. Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

Q: Why does Laura always get on top?

A. Because G.W. can only up.

Surely someone has some Kerry jokes?
 

Bill Pierce
Moderator
Username: Billpierce

Post Number: 877
Registered: 01-2002
Posted on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:22 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

While crisscrossing the country in the final days of the campaign in a last-ditch effort to sew up key battleground states, Air Force One is shot down by a terrorist missile. There are no survivors.

Bush arrives at the Pearly Gates with his entourage, to be greeted by St. Peter. "Well, I guess this is my new home," says the President. "I once was a sinner but I found the error of my old ways and I gave my life for my country."

"That's true," says St. Peter. "But we believe in offering everyone a choice. We want you to see what the other side has before you make a decision as to where you want to spend eternity."

"OK, show me the underworld first, because I'm sure Heaven is where I belong."

In an instant he's whisked off to Hell, which he finds is very different from what he imagined. It's a lot like a swank country club. Everyone is casually but very well-dressed, plays excellent tennis and shoots scratch golf. He spies many of his late political supporters and several other former Presidents. There is first-rate live music, people are dancing, and they serve some of the finest Texas barbecue. Even the Devil seems much more like a corporate CEO than the Prince of Darkness. He strolls through the crowd shaking hands and inquiring if everyone is having a good time.

"This seems like quite the place," says Dubya. "But I still want to see Heaven." The next moment he's among clouds, where people are dressed in white robes and playing the harp. They attend lectures about morality and doing good works. He recognizes many of those who were Democrats. God is an old man with a long beard and an imposing, imperial manner. He stands by himself above the others.

St. Peter appears and asks if he has made a decision. "I never would have thought I would say this," says Bush, "but you know, I think I like Hell better."

Immediately the scene changes. It's unbearably hot and people dressed in rags wander among smoking piles of garbage. The stench of sulfur is almost overpowering. There is the crack of whips and screams from those who are being tortured.

"Wait just a minute," says the President. "What happened to what I saw the last time I was here?"

"Oh, that was the during the campaign," St. Peter tells him solemnly. "Now you voted."
 

J. Steinhauer
Intermediate Member
Username: Jstein6870

Post Number: 261
Registered: 03-2002
Posted on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:33 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The Jokes in the World Expressions threads are funnier.
 

Chumley
Senior Member
Username: Chumley

Post Number: 2386
Registered: 02-2003
Posted on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 03:56 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Oh, come now Steinhauer, admit the Vietnam/Iraq joke made you chuckle.

I have to admit, the pictures of W compared to the chimp are hard to top...

There's got to be at least one Kerry joke out there...don't tell me it's true that Republicans are humorless rich SOBs?
 

Wykowski
Senior Member
Username: Bigearl

Post Number: 1180
Registered: 12-2002
Posted on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 01:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I think they're pretty good,

but not as funny as "W after sipping a Denny-brew"
You remember that foul evening when you heard the banshees howl
There was lousy drunken bastards singing 'Billy is in the bowl'
They took you up to midnight mass and left you in the lurch
So you dropped a button in the plate and spewed up in the church

 

J. Steinhauer
Intermediate Member
Username: Jstein6870

Post Number: 263
Registered: 03-2002
Posted on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 04:06 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Actually Chumley, I thought it was the other way around. At work, many of the liberals won't even come to the dining room at lunch time, because the political humor just rubs their fundamental beliefs the wrong way. The few who do, I must say, have a good sense of humor and can take it as well as they can dish it out. There are a lot of pretty rich Democrats here in the Socialist Republic of Minnesota (as they refer to it in North Dakota), and you can't deny the sense of humor in a many of the voters here. I would explain why there are more Republican jokes than Democrat jokes, but that would offend many of the liberals and they would come flailing back with a vengeful heart (that's pretty funny, when you think about it).

One last thing...Kerry is the joke. Why bother making something up that pales in comparison
 

Chumley
Senior Member
Username: Chumley

Post Number: 2392
Registered: 02-2003
Posted on Saturday, October 23, 2004 - 01:27 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

>>One last thing...Kerry is the joke. Why bother making something up that pales in comparison

Sorry, Steinhauer, but as a "joke", that would have to rate "lame".

I am disappointed. Kerry is a pompous windbag, why can't anyone come up with a good joke at his expense? I suspect that from years of being narrow-minded, the neo-con's neural pathways that have anything to do with comedy have withered, except for one chloresterol-choked vein to the medusa oblangata specifically reserved for Larry the Cable Guy.

In order to stimulate the neo-cons brainwaves again, I am resurrecting an old chestnut about the man they love to hate, one William Jefferson Clinton. Here it goes:

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
.
.
.
Hope that gets you right-wing nuts fired up and re-acquainting yourself with the other side of your brain. :-)

P.S, Remember, this is the "humor" section of the B&V. If you don't have a joke, but do have vitriolic bile, please direct yourself to "World Expressions".
 

Brian Garber
Junior Member
Username: Bgarber

Post Number: 70
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 12:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

You asked for it!

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed, opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." óJay Leno

"John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500 billion deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." óCraig Kilborn

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his 'Meet the Press' interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head?" óJay Leno

"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." óDavid Letterman

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" óJay Leno

"The White House began airing their TV commercials to reelect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." óJay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" óJon Stewart
 

Chumley
Senior Member
Username: Chumley

Post Number: 2404
Registered: 02-2003
Posted on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 11:02 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Those are pretty good, Brian. Here's another:

John Kerry was scheduled to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it." Kerry pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, self absorbed, a hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low intelligence weasel. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen." The Cardinal continued; "He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
 

ScottDeW
Member
Username: Scott

Post Number: 176
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 06:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was
spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse," The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Scott
http://texanbrew.com
 

ScottDeW
Member
Username: Scott

Post Number: 177
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 08:09 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A new bar opens in town and everyone is talking about it. The buzz is because it has a robot bartender. One fellow decides he has to see this for himself, so in he goes in and sits at the bar. Sure enough, a robot is bartending.. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him his IQ. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing particle physics, the development of hydrogen power cells and global warming. This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits down at a different stool. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him its 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball and the proper way to grill a steak. Wow, this is amazing, thinks the man, and so he decides he wants to see how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves the bar and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot his IQ is 50. The robot asks......... "So, are you Democrats excited about the Kerry-Edwards ticket?
Scott
http://texanbrew.com
 

Dan Listermann
Advanced Member
Username: Listermann

Post Number: 651
Registered: 03-2004
Posted on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 09:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

What is the difference between Viet Nam and Iraq?

George Bush had a plan to get out of Viet Nam.

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