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The Man From Plaid
Posted on Sunday, December 03, 2000 - 05:31 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A man slams into a brewpub after being victimized in divorce court. "All lawyers are buttheads!" he bellows.

"Hey!" comes a voice from the back of the pub, "I resent that!"

"You a lawyer?" booms the first.

"No!" comes the reply, "I'm an butthead!"
 

greg (hh2128198.direcpc.com - 207.168.128.198)
Posted on Saturday, January 05, 2002 - 11:44 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

You know haw you tell the difference between and empty beer bottle lying in the road and layer lying in the road.
There are skid marks in front of the beer bottle.
 

IHATEBUD (a090-0900.nycm.splitrock.net - 63.253.89.138)
Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2002 - 02:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Why is it New York has all the lawyers and New Jersey has all the toxic dumps?

New Jersey got first pick!
 

Merle (1cust226.tnt1.coeur-dalene.id.da.uu.net - 63.27.107.226)
Posted on Sunday, January 13, 2002 - 04:15 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Do you know the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the Law, a great lawyer knows the Judge.
 

Michael Boyd (user-33qtnhd.dialup.mindspring.com - 199.174.222.45)
Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 06:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

How do you tell when a lawyer's lying?
His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the others a fish.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 

Tom Gardner (spider-wf052.proxy.aol.com - 205.188.195.173)
Posted on Monday, January 28, 2002 - 03:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

the worst story I ever heard was about that bus full of lawyers that went over the cliff... there were 4 empty seats!
 

Charlie Nape (64.12.101.174)
Posted on Wednesday, April 03, 2002 - 06:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A very successful city lawyer is taking his yearly trip to his favorite bed and breakfast. This year he is especially looking forward to the trip because last year he managed to start an affair with the owner's beautiful daughter.
Upon arriving, the young lawyer is astounded to see the girl sitting on the front porch feeding a newborn. "Sweetheart," he exclaims, "why didn't you tell me! I would have been right here for you. We should be married! The baby will have my name."
To this the young girl calmly answers, "When I found out, my parents and I sat down and had a long talk. We evenually came to the conclusion that it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
 

Carrie (134.139.23.89)
Posted on Thursday, April 04, 2002 - 05:34 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. The boy immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects,the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

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