Topics Topics Help/Instructions Help Edit Profile Profile Member List Register  
Search Last 1 | 3 | 7 Days Search Search Tree View Tree View  

Visit The Brewery's sponsor!
Brews & Views Bulletin Board Service * Humor * A Primer on Common Tools < Previous Next >

  Thread Last Poster Posts Pages Last Post
  Start New Thread        

Author Message

Senior Member
Username: Dhacker

Post Number: 1334
Registered: 11-2002
Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 02:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

1.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ****...."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

5. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

6. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

8. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.

11. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

12. TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

13. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

14. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

15. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

16. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

17. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

18. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

19. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

20. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

21. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

22. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

23. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

24. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts .

25. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

26. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

27. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

28. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

29. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Senior Member
Username: Connie

Post Number: 1150
Registered: 10-2000
Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 08:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I have most of those tools in my shop..

Bill Pierce
Username: Billpierce

Post Number: 8444
Registered: 01-2002
Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 09:20 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I believe No. 19 is also known as the "B.F. screwdriver," or the BFS for short. Number 27 can similarly be called the BFH and is used to obliterate the problem when other tools fail.

Steve Funk
Intermediate Member
Username: Tundra45

Post Number: 436
Registered: 06-2004
Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 09:21 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

priceless, roflmao

Tom Burk
Username: Tomburk

Post Number: 159
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 10:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The hammer is also known as a Chicago screwdriver. It's used when you want to put a screw in quickly.

Paul Hayslett
Senior Member
Username: Paulhayslett

Post Number: 1545
Registered: 02-2002
Posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 01:28 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The only one you missed is the mason's hammer, which is used for launching small, sharp bits of brick into your coffee, or your eye.

Dan Listermann
Senior Member
Username: Listermann

Post Number: 5279
Registered: 03-2004
Posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 01:58 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Vice grips are known as "Kentucky Universal adjustable wrenches."

Gary Muehe
Username: Garymuehe

Post Number: 220
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 04:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I recognize #10 as the "Hillbilly heat wrench".

Keith M Williams
Username: Grok

Post Number: 215
Registered: 03-2004
Posted on Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - 09:15 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I call #10 "the sparkle wrench"

Add Your Message Here
Bold text Italics Underline Create a hyperlink Insert a clipart image

Username: Posting Information:
This is a private posting area. Only registered users and moderators may post messages here.
Options: Enable HTML code in message
Automatically activate URLs in message