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Mike Huss
Advanced Member
Username: Mikhu

Post Number: 921
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 03:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A little history lesson humor at the expense of my liberal friends...

History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.
 

David Lewinnek
Member
Username: Davelew

Post Number: 204
Registered: 02-2005
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 05:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I found a few inaccuracies in your post:

1. History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.)

Actually, "history" refers to writing, and the oldest writings are from 6,000 to 7,000 years old.

2. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The earliest humans lived near the equator; there were no summers and winters.

3. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

There were several groups of stone-age people who had intoxicating beverages and complex social structures (i.e "civilization") but no wheeled transportation. The most famous are probably the Maya of Central America, although there are other peoples who got drunk and didn't have wheeled transport.

4. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

This is closer to the truth than you may think. Wheat and barley were some of the earliest domesticated crops in the fertile crescent, and although archeologists used to think the grains were used to make bread, the earliest sites taht have been excavated show a curious lack of burnt grains. It's almost as though they were mixed with water, then heated, then fermented and drunk.


5. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

See comments above for how this is close to the truth. The breweries stored the fermetning beverage in either holes in the ground or pottery vessels. The modern name for large pottery vessels in that part of the middle east is kur'beh, which is where we get our word "carboy".

6. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Early cultures ate very little meat. Most of their protein came from beer (or whatever you call fermented un-hopped wort). Hunting is a very inefficient form of getting food long term, because so many square miles are required to suport each hunter for a year. Also, most meats have too few carbohydrates to make a decenet beer.

7. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Cats were domesticated by ancient Egyptians breweries to protect their grain stores from mice and rats. Democratic voting was common amongst many groups (and sprang up without precedent in some groups, most notably carribean pirates in the 1600s), but the main roots of modern democracies were ancient greece and barbarian germany.

8. I like the designated hitter rule in baseball. I go to baseball games to watch hitting, pitching and fielding, and I think the DH rule improves all three of those things (DHs are better hitters than pitchers, the DH rule means you don't yank a pitcher who's doing well if the 9-hole somes to bat in 6th with two out and the bases loaded, and the DH rule means a poor fielder but good hitter like David Ortiz doesn;t have to field).

9. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above

Yup. We liberals have a drive to make the world a better place, to right wrongs, and to ensure freedom for all (especially freedom from bad beer).
 

Bill Pierce
Moderator
Username: Billpierce

Post Number: 3906
Registered: 01-2002
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 07:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Mike, I smiled at some of the humor, but I have to say that it reads like the rantings of those who have decided they are "real men" against women and "girlymen," that is, everyone else. In my mind it's the reason conservatives held no real power in American politics for nearly 50 years from the 1930s to the 1980s, and why they are in grave danger of losing it again. Political influence depends on coalition building, which you can't have if you're so consumed about who doesn't belong. It's all about inclusivity rather than exclusivity; this has been proved repeatedly in the history of politics.

But as you say, I'm just one of those with an uncontrollable urge to respond.
 

Mike Huss
Advanced Member
Username: Mikhu

Post Number: 922
Registered: 03-2003
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 08:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

C'mon guys, it was a JOKE! That's why I put in in the humor section, not in World Expressions. I got it via email, laughed, and posted it here. I didn't actually write the darn thing!
 

Bill Pierce
Moderator
Username: Billpierce

Post Number: 3912
Registered: 01-2002
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 09:59 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I know, Mike. Liberals (substitute feminists, gays, whatever) have no sense of humor.
 

Dan Listermann
Senior Member
Username: Listermann

Post Number: 1995
Registered: 03-2004
Posted on Monday, November 14, 2005 - 10:31 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Oh, to have stars to give out!

Dan

--This space is again being left intentionally blank.-


 

Denny Conn
Senior Member
Username: Denny

Post Number: 5225
Registered: 01-2001
Posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2005 - 08:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

It was immediately obvious to me that Mike had posted a brilliant parody of Dubya's research and reasoning capabilities...
LIfe begins at 60...1.060, that is.
 

Paul Hayslett
Advanced Member
Username: Paulhayslett

Post Number: 908
Registered: 02-2002
Posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2005 - 09:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Lessee....

Clinton (liberal) balanced the budget, so that I would get to keep more of what I earn (produce).

Dubya (neanderthal, I mean conservative) has run us into more debt than the previous 3 presidents combined, thereby necessitating huge eventual tax rises. That is, he has been deciding for me what to do with what I produce.

Did I miss something in there?
"Sargeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands To Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In The Pub Told Me." -- Terry Pratchett
 

John Nixon
New Member
Username: Neptunesgardener

Post Number: 6
Registered: 03-2007
Posted on Sunday, April 08, 2007 - 03:09 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Clinton didn't raise taxes?Right.Clinton didn't violate the rights of every American citizen with an unconstitutional "assault weapons" ban?
And he didn't look me straight in the eye(through a camera)and lie to me?W is no prize but to say how great a guy Clinton was is like touting the virtues of syphilis!

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