HOMEBREW Digest #4416 Wed 03 December 2003

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  re:Loathing the water in Las Vegas ("Andy and Tina Bailey")
  re: tackling oxygen utilization ("-S")
  Re: burner sooting (Tom Davidson)
  Flax 2nd & 3rd data points ("Chad Stevens")
  RE: Basement brewery ideas ("Don Anderson")
  re: digital thermometers ("-S")
  re burner sooting (Eric Hood)
  Too Much Foam From Keg (HQ BIC)" <donald.miller@dcma.mil>
  Home RO units ("A.J deLange")
  Re: Basement brewing ("Drew Avis")
  Boulder, CO ("Berggren, Stefan")
  Sooting propane burners (Thomas Rohner)
  Re: adding lactose in stouts (Jeff Renner)
  Re: burner sooting (Demonick)
  Re: burner sooting (Craig Agnor) (David Towson)
  Cleaning SS fermenters ("Gary Smith")
  Corny long term storage ("Gary Smith")
  Turbo Scrubber ("Hedglin, Nils A")
  Protein rest ("Gordon Strong")
  WLP830 German Lager Yeast (susan woodall)
  It IS beer related, tha knows (Randy Ricchi)

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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 20:42:05 -0800 From: "Andy and Tina Bailey" <atmlobailey at cox.net> Subject: re:Loathing the water in Las Vegas Doug Hurst states/asks "Jeff Rankert gives us a geologic run-down of the Colorado river basin as an explanation for mineral content of Las Vegas tap water. Correct me if I'm wrong (and I may be) but doesn't Las Vegas water come from a quickly diminishing aquafer under the city rather than from the Colorado river? Never-the-less I'm sure its mineral content is influenced by many of the same sources." Actually, the Las Vegas drinking water comes primarily from the quickly diminishing Colorado River. Lake Mead is down over 60 feet in the last few years as exploding population, and the lack of snowfall on the west slopes of the central rockies are taking their toll. Andy in Las Vegas Return to table of contents
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003 23:45:36 -0500 From: "-S" <-s at adelphia.net> Subject: re: tackling oxygen utilization Apologies for the confusion, but Frederecks reply to this message probably appears before this (slightly revised) post. Fredrik asks ... Chas Bamforth wrote in an article on the topic that oxidation will reduce saturation levels of oxygen (~16ppm) in wort in 8 hours. That doesn't help develop a good rate constant. Creates an upped bound tho'. In pitched wort I've seen figures in the 20 minute to 1 hour range for the "disappearance" of oxygen. >2) Rough reduction rate of dissolved oxygen in beer? I don't have a number for that one. I've seen some quantitative studies of the chemical fates of oxygen in beer. That doesn't help with the rates at all. >One question are the regulation of which alternative pathways that utilize >oxygen in yeast. Yeast apparently don't have a storage mechanism for oxygen. It's used to unsaturate existing fatty acids, to convert existing squalene to sterol, and for respiration. It's also somehow involved in significant changes to the mitochondria. Aside from glucose (and other sugar) repression of respiration(crabtree) I don't imagine that there is a good model for the distribution of oxygen. There are some odd factors, like colder temperatures creating more unsaturated FAs. There is a strong relationship, suggestive of stochiometery, in the reduction of glycogen and the conversion of squalene to sterol. The oxygen requirements for "normal" brewery fermentation vary widely, (by a factor of 5 roughly) based on variety of yeast. Some yeasts will repeatedly ferment normal brewery wort when it is once oxygenated to 8ppm of oxygen. Other yeasts require over 40ppm (multiple O2 additions) to complete fermentation. >Another is to what extent molecular oxygen is "used" external to the cell >oxidizing beer and wort compounds. In a once-oxygenated wort it's probably something like 80-90% used in the yeast based on the 8 hours vs 20-60minute uptake times. That's a ballpark guess. Some oddities here too. Yeast will rapidly uptake oxygen when pitched and unoxygenated. This is followed by a low uptake period till they reach another peak 16-24 hours after pitching. IOW the yeast uptake rate is quite variable. >Also what possibly flavour impact does this alternative uses of oxygen have? If I was smart I'd pass this hot-potato. One of the worst flavor outcomes - the creation of trans-2-nonenal from oxidized linoleic acid - is due to oxygen somewhere prior to fermentation. Only the final degradation phase appears in the bottle. Oxygen in the fermenters, to the extent it is not used by yeast *probably* winds up in the same places it does in beer- about 95% oxidized polyphenols and sulfites with relatively minor flavor consequence. The problem is that we don't know enough about the other 5% and this small amount can have an overwhelming flavor consequence. Some of this remainder oxidized is involved in creating staling compounds - for example aldehydes. BTW Narziss suggest that beers should have a modest 8-9ppm of sulfite for "optimal" stability. Sulfite is not only an active anti-oxidant, but prevents several unrelated oxidation processes in beer. More interesting - the inclusion of relatively minor mounts of oxygen during late fermentation causes a clear reduction of esters in beer - a major flavor impact. Excess oxygen beyond yeast requirements does not substantially increase yeast growth or reduce fermentation time, but does reduce the storage time before the beer becomes unstable. JIB v105, pp237-242, Bamforth J.Am.Soc.Brew.Chem, 57(1):24-28, Nyborg et al JIB v105,pp269-274 Noel et al J.Am.Soc.Brew.Chem, 58(1):30-37, Uchida&Ono are good reading on the topic. Return to table of contents
Date: Mon, 01 Dec 2003 23:46:06 -0500 From: Tom Davidson <tj.davidson at comcast.net> Subject: Re: burner sooting >Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003 12:31:16 -0800 (PST) >From: Craig Agnor <cagnor at emerald.ucsc.edu> >Subject: burner sooting > >I've got a 'King Kooker' propane burner (~170,000 BTU - is this a 'ring' >style burner?). I've been using this burner now for several years with no >trouble whatsoever. However the last few brews have seen a dramatic >increase in the amount of soot produced. > > Take a length of coat hanger wire and jab it a few times through the air shutter and poke out the spider nests. Also knock any loose rust out of the burner but my money's on the spiders. Return to table of contents
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003 20:59:58 -0800 From: "Chad Stevens" <zuvaruvi at cox.net> Subject: Flax 2nd & 3rd data points Y'all, To rehash, I made a beer a while ago with gelatinized flax mucilage (the snotty outer coating which is almost entirely pentose sugars which are used commercially for foam stabilization as in fire fighting foam) in the mash and it had a way groovy head. Well, batch primed and bottled an ESB and added about an 1/8th of a tsp. of mucilage to one of the bottles at bottling time. Let sit for a month, in the fridge for a week, decanted one regular ESB and one with mucilage side by side. Results: foam stood for identical periods on both beers. Dense one inch head at pour, 1/2" at one minute, 1/4" at two minutes, 1/8" lingered to the bottom of the glass on both beers. Interestingly, the bubbles appeared to be slightly smaller and more consistent on the flax foam but this did not translate to better retention. Flavor and aroma where identical. Mouthfeel, color, and clarity were identical. Here's the weird part, bitterness was perceived as being slightly greater in the flax beer. At first I thought it was just me, but I gave both beers to my brother who knows nothing about beer and asked him which he liked better and why, and he liked the non-flax beer because it wasn't quite as bitter. The mucilage is virtually tasteless. It is possible the same flavor receptors that perceive flax flavor, perceive hop bitterness and are as a result, stimulated to a greater degree. Interesting. Flax beer #3: I boiled 3 oz of flax in 1/2 gallon of water and strained the mucilage from the seed (which wasn't easy because even with that much water, it made for a very viscous mess) and added to the wort at the beginning of the boil. I made an intentionally boring beer; 11 lbs 2 row, 1 lb crystal 40 for an eight gallon batch. Step infusion: 122 for 20 min., 132 for 25 min., 152 for 30 min. Irish ale yeast. I wanted something highly fermentable, low viscosity, low mouthfeel, low head to accentuate any contribution the flax might have. Kegged, forced carbonated, in the fridge for a week. The foam on this beer, what little there is, exhibits disproportionation, that is it's got big bubbles and little bubbles at the same time. It ain't very good foam and it doesn't last more than 30 seconds. The OG was 1.048 and FG was 1.014; without the flax this should have finished a great deal lower. This beer definitely has mouthfeel. And I think that is the problem with the head. Arabinose and zylose are actually foam inhibitive at concentrations greater than 5% (?) at which point the base liquid becomes too viscous to support a foam. The taste is something like a whole wheat dinner role at Thanksgiving that should have cooked for another ten minutes; bready with a dirty edge. All in all, it's a flop. I will not be adding flax to the boil again any time soon. Of additional concern, because pentose sugars do not ferment out and may be consumed by spoilage bacteria, were this stuff in a bottle it would probably be a time bomb. I think I'll go back to playing with flax in the mash some more. Chad Stevens QUAFF San Diego http://www.quaff.org/afc2004/AFCHBC.html America's Finest City Homebrew Competition, February 2004 - ----------------------- Nature never forms spirituous liquors; she rots the grape upon the branch; but it is art which converts the juice into wine. Count Chaptal, Bible Commentary (1820's?) Return to table of contents
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003 21:08:16 -0800 From: "Don Anderson" <beer_guy at comcast.net> Subject: RE: Basement brewery ideas Thanks one and all for your ideas on my basement brewery. You have brought up some things that I hadn't thought of and confirmed that some others are worth doing. Rob: Good point! Is that the voice of experience I hear talking? ;-) Thanks, -Don Anderson Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 02:35:02 -0500 From: "-S" <-s at adelphia.net> Subject: re: digital thermometers >One is by Taylor, about $20 >at Target, and the other by Polder, about $25 at >amazon.com. It's clear that these digital oven thermometers have a lot of nice features, but the probes stink. Has anyone examined how the probes are made ? If it's a simple thermocouple and the type could be determined ... -Steve Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 17:57:19 +1000 From: Eric Hood <eric at macchoice.com.au> Subject: re burner sooting > If memory serves, the soot results from incomplete combustion of fuel > and I suspect an inefficient mix of fuel and oxygen as the culprit. Is > this correct? If so, how can I repair my burners? I've tried > disassembling the burners (unscrewing the ring) and cleaning them out, > but > this didn't solve the problem. Anyone else out there run into this > problem and come up with a simple solution? > If you go to a welding supply shop you will be able to buy a set of tip cleaners which are used to clean oxy acetylene nozzles, this should fix your problem. Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 07:35:02 -0500 From: "Miller, Donald (HQ BIC)" <donald.miller at dcma.mil> Subject: Too Much Foam From Keg Folks, I have a had a problem with a little too much foam from my kegs as I prepare for my annual holiday party. My brews conditioned in the keg at room temperature. I blasted each with about 30 lbs of CO2 to get a good seal. After conditioning, I used my Bleeder Value with pressure gauge to bleed off to about 7 lbs for dispensing. This still appears to be too much pressure as all I get is a glass full of foam. This occurs on my pale ale, cream ale, stout and hefeweizen so I don't think it is brew specific. Any ideas what is causing this maximus foamus??? Don Donald A. Miller Transformation Team Phone: 703-428-1474 Cell: 571-236-3914 Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 12:39:11 +0000 From: "A.J deLange" <ajdel at cox.net> Subject: Home RO units Modern home RO units toss more like a gallon or a gallon and a half for each gallon of filtered water produced. Most of the units come with a small storage tank and separate spigot so you only take the RO water you need for cooking, brewing etc. You couldn't run RO water to the whole house anyway through metal pipes. They'd be gone in a couple of years. A.J. Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 09:24:21 -0500 From: "Drew Avis" <andrew_avis at hotmail.com> Subject: Re: Basement brewing Lots of good comments on Don's question about a basement brewery. Leo Vitt adds: "Lots of ventilation." I would say: Go electric, and your ventilation requirements are a lot simpler. In that case you're simply venting excess moisture rather than trying to make up O2 and venting CO. With a new 20' cord on my system, I now have a basement (winter) and back deck (summer) brewery! Drew Avis ~ Ottawa, Ontario - -- http://www.strangebrew.ca "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk." Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 08:44:40 -0600 From: "Berggren, Stefan" <Stefan_Berggren at trekbikes.com> Subject: Boulder, CO Dear HBDR's My brother has just recently relocated to Boulder, CO and is interested in getting involved with a homebrew group (I think he is moving towards the light so to speak...) So what I would like to find out is what clubs are out there and where there might be some good pubs and beer stores. I appreciate any input via the digest or private. P.s. What is on tap or bubbling in peoples basements this winter? On tap in my cellar 1.) English Porter 2.) English Mild/Brown 3.) English IPA 4.) Olde Fashion Root-beer Stefan Berggren - Madison, WI Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 17:06:25 +0100 From: Thomas Rohner <t.rohner at bluewin.ch> Subject: Sooting propane burners Dear Craig i don't know how your "king cooker" is built. But the ones we get here are ring style burners as well. They have a sheet metal ring to adjust the air(oxygen). It's fixed with a screw. To adjust i open the screw and adjust the air opening while i check the flame. It works like a injector pump.(the propane sucks the air in) So there has to be a opening for the air between the propane inlet and the holes in the ring. Try to find it and adjust it. Hope this helps. Thomas Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 13:43:08 -0500 From: Jeff Renner <jeffrenner at comcast.net> Subject: Re: adding lactose in stouts "mike sullivan" <mikesullivan666 at msn.com> asks: >Does anyone know if adding lactose changes the gravity of wort? And if it >does, how much? I am pretty new to home brewing and any help would be >appreciated. Mike The short answer is, yes, by about 45 points, if it's the same as other sugars (although it may be slightly different for lactose than other sugars, it will be close). One gallon of lactose made up to a gallon of solution would be 1.045. Now the long answer from this ex science teacher, whose kids used to say he could never give the short answer. Specific gravity measures how much heavier a liquid is than pure water. If you put a gallon of something, say beer wort, on one side of a balance and a gallon of water on the other side, how much weight would you have to add to the light side to make it balance? In the case of beer wort, it might be that you have to add a half pound to the water side. This would mean that the ratio of the wort to the water was (weight of gallon of water + 1/2 lb)/(weight of gallon of water). Since a gallon of water weighs 8.34 lbs, this would be 8.84/8.34, or 1.060. (This would make a fairly strong beer). Dissolving lactose in water will increase its specific gravity, unless, of course, it also increases the volume of the solution by the same proportion. Adding a pound of sugar to a gallon of water (8.34 lbs) will produce 9.34 pounds of solution. However, there will be a bit more than one gallon of solution, as was discussed here a week or two ago. The sugar "takes up some space." If did not increase the volume of the solution, you'd have a gallon of solution that weighed 9.34 lbs. Dividing 9.34 by 8.34 (the weight of a gallon of water) gives 1.12, so the specific gravity of this would be 1.120. However, since dissolving a pound of lactose in a gallon gives us more than a gallon of solution, we must make our gallon of solution slightly differently. Dissolve the lactose in three quarts, say, of water, then top it up to get one gallon of solution. This, of course, has less than a gallon of water in it, so it weighs less than 9.34 pounds. We can calculate how much it would weigh since we know from references that the specific gravity of this solution is 1.045 - it weighs 1.045 times as much as a gallon of water (8.34 lbs), or 8.70 lbs. From this we can calculate how much water there is in the gallon of solution by subtracting the pound of lactose from 8.70 lbs, which gives us 7.70 lbs of water. Hope this helps you to understand what's going on here. If not, just figure 45 points. Jeff - -- Jeff Renner in Ann Arbor, Michigan USA, JeffRenner at comcast.net "One never knows, do one?" Fats Waller, American Musician, 1904-1943 Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 12:40:29 -0800 From: Demonick <demonick at zgi.com> Subject: Re: burner sooting Craig Agnor asks: >... If memory serves, the soot results from incomplete combustion of fuel >and I suspect an inefficient mix of fuel and oxygen as the culprit. Is >this correct? ... That is correct. There should be a mixture adjustment on the unit somewhere. Look for a butterfly ring. You can turn it and adjust the amount of air drawn into the burner. This ring is adjusted until the flame is completely blue. Domenick Seattle, WA Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 16:07:39 -0500 From: David Towson <dtowson at comcast.net> Subject: Re: burner sooting (Craig Agnor) In HBD 4415, Craig has a problem with soot. I assume this is a propane burner. Soot comes from poor combustion. That means you have either too much gas, or not enough air. Too much gas could come from the pressure regulator being turned up too far, or possibly from a leak around a removable jet (if your burner has such a thing). Also, if the gas jet is made from some super soft material, or if you have reamed it out in the process of trying to clean it, it is possible that the jet has been made larger, thereby allowing it to admit too much gas. As for the air side of the situation, that is usually controlled by a rotatable shutter on the burner, and it might have been bumped along the way, causing it to admit too little air. If so, then it's an easy matter to turn it open some more to restore the blue flame. If none of these things seem to explain your problem, then my bet is that the regulator has malfunctioned, and it needs to be replaced. Dave in Bel Air, MD Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 15:41:38 -0600 From: "Gary Smith" <mandolinist at ameritech.net> Subject: Cleaning SS fermenters Hi, I'd like some opinions on sanitary dealings with stainless fermenter care & feeding. I just bought the sabco fermenter and am getting a conical fermenter as well. All I've used for fermenting over the last 20+ years has been glass carboys. I've always cleaned the fermenters well and then the day of racking I sanitize the fermenter using (lately) Star San & then grain alcohol around the mouth of the fermenter. Now I'm using stainless where things have to be disasembled, placed in PBW & then re-assembled & then sanitized. As to the fermenter, it sounds like every time I use it I need to disassemble all the fittings and soak them in PBW & then re-assemble. What about the interior? while the rotating arm is out I can't fill it with PBW and if there's a lot of material on the sides after fermenting I'll need to clean this off. So the question is chicken or egg... Do I remove the fittings clean them and replace & then fill the fermenter with PBW or... Clean the interior with PBW & then remove & clean the fittings? Also, Do I need to turn it upside down to let the top part have full contact? I have another question on long term sanitary storage but I'll leave that for the answers to the Following (Corny) question. Thanks, Gary Gary Smith CQ DX de KA1J http://musician.dyndns.org http://musician.dyndns.org/homebrew.html "Give a man a beer and he'll drink for five minutes. Teach him where the beer is, he'll drink for a lifetime and get it himself". Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 17:02:14 -0600 From: "Gary Smith" <mandolinist at ameritech.net> Subject: Corny long term storage Hi, I've been trying to wean myself from bottles :) and have been buying more corny kegs. I now have ten of them. My big picture is to have another ten or so more of which several will be in long term aging roles for mead. It's the other ones I'm curious about. I want to devote an afternoon to cleaning them with PBW and then use Star San to sanitize. I then want to put them aside and label as ready to use. Doing all the work on the same day can be inconvenient so I want to do all the cleaning ahead of time. I did that with one and hadn't planned on opening it but rather had planned on racking into it directly. By chance I opened the cover & looked inside & there was this small milky white pool of star San which had collected at the bottom. I remember when I called the company to ask about the foaming in bottles & wether it would kill the yeast or affect the taste & the answer was a strong no. I'm not sure about the accumulation of star san but for long term empty & "ready to go" Corny storage it seems like the remaining star San in the bubbles & on the sides will pool & turn milky. Has anyone ever found this to be a problem? I've planned on filling the cornys with CO2 after draining the Star San so they'd be ready for the next use be it tomorrow or six months away. Anyone doing this? If so, what are you doing to clean & prep the cornys for future use? Thanks! Gary Gary Smith CQ DX de KA1J http://musician.dyndns.org http://musician.dyndns.org/homebrew.html "Give a man a beer and he'll drink for five minutes. Teach him where the beer is, he'll drink for a lifetime and get it himself". Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 10:31:50 -0800 From: "Hedglin, Nils A" <nils.a.hedglin at intel.com> Subject: Turbo Scrubber Hi, Has anyone tried the Turbo Scubber advertised in Brew Your Own? Their websites are www.turboscrub.com or www.carboyscrubber.com. It looks like a good idea, but I'm curious about it's affect on glass carboys. Also, how easy is it to clean the bottom of the carboy? Thanks Nils Hedglin Sacramento, CA [1978.7, 275.3] Apparent Rennerian In Heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here, And when we're gone from here, our friends will be drinking all the beer. Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 21:20:23 -0500 From: "Gordon Strong" <strongg at voyager.net> Subject: Protein rest I'm not trolling or trying to start a religious war, but what are current opinions on protein rests in the 122F range? I'm not really looking for anecdotal information, but rather referenced sources (or first-hand information from modern brewery practices). My personal opinion is that it's unnecessary with modern malts, but that it may be useful when adding starchy adjuncts (although I tend to prefer 131F for 10-15 min). Is it unreasonable to suggest that one try a single infusion mash and only add a protein rest if a starch haze results? Or to reduce or eliminate a protein rest if poor head retention and/or thin body results? Of course you may choose other mash schedules for other reasons (e.g. step mashing an alt for greater attenuation, decoction mashing a bock for melanoidin development). For purposes of this discussion, let's assume we're just talking about conversion without undesirable side-effects. I find a lot of information on the subject is quite dated and/or is just repeating information without any attempt at verifying it. Certainly malts have changed over the last decade or so. Certainly malts will vary by type and maltster. I'm just wondering if there are any generalizations that can be drawn. Thanks, Gordon Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 19:09:20 -0800 From: susan woodall <woodsusa at moscow.com> Subject: WLP830 German Lager Yeast can anyone give me any advice or their perspective on WLP830 German Lager Yeast. What are this yeasts flavor characteristic and profile? Return to table of contents
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2003 22:29:12 -0500 From: Randy Ricchi <rricchi at houghton.k12.mi.us> Subject: It IS beer related, tha knows I found this on a kayaking bulletin board, of all places. It is beer related (somewhat) and I think kind of humorous. The author does seem to have a slight bias, though ;^) ORIGIN OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forefathers decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, and the brewery. This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to the division of the species, which persists to this day. Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling stories. Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings. Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types. By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it. Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne. Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda. All conservatives drink beer. American beer. Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American. Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue. Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat. Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players. James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservatives. Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial. Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot. Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think Europeans are basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars. Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona," "Patton," and "Conan the Barbarian." Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides," "Last Tango in Paris," and "The Big Chill." The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair." The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born." Return to table of contents
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